I smell stomach acid.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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