I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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