I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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