I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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