In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
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So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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