She is in my trunk
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need to calm my uterus...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
