Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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