90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
