Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
