trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
