so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
