At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
