you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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