I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
