My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
