Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
