So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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