it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
