On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I didn't shave. On purpose
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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