apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
