i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
