I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
