Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
