I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
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We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
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He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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