You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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