She's JV to your varsity
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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