Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
