Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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