I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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