Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
