Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
