as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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