nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.