PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"