we're chasing vodka with high fives
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
