while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have feelings that need drinking.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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