now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
