I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You don't make any sense
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