why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize