We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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