Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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