I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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