I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I currently don't understand fingers.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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