We're like a lot better than the average bears
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
