Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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