I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she looked like the before picture.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
