i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
