i just wanna soil my oats bro
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
