I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
