You work out of a Hotel?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
