Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
