Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
