Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I enjoy the company of your penis
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
