Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
